As you can see, my last blog post was in November when I finished the rooster commission. That commission is the last mosaic I completed. I’ve not been able to find the motivation to work much since then. Sure, I started something in December, only to leave it sit, and sit, and sit on my work table. I’ve been in quite a slump.
In the last month, I’ve made a bit of progress on it (above) and am determined to finish it. And I will. But I’ve never experienced such a prolonged lack of motivation to mosaic. I’ve questioned whether it is time for me to let it go and move on. To what, I don’t know.
But I am not ready to let it go. I sense there is more mosaic in me. Curious, though, as to why I might be experiencing this. As distressing as it is to lack motivation, inspiration, and a need to create, I think this is actually a good thing.
I do believe that Covid has a lot to do with it. The isolation of the last year has left me feeling unplugged, which I suppose makes sense for the state of isolation. Being unplugged, I have lost any sense of competition—or trying to prove myself—which I can now see was a contributing aspect of my creative motivation. I can see it now only due to its lack.
There has been a sense of what’s the use? And I have found that to be a very important question. Indeed, what is the use? Maybe there is no use if I’m solely motivated by a need to prove myself. I went through a few months where my mantra was I just don’t care. Again, distressing, but at the same time, liberating.
Some days, I felt like it should just be enough to get through the day—to do some laundry, go to the store, cook dinner, play some piano or chess, exercise a bit, sit outside in the sun with our dog Lucy. Why can’t that be enough? Do I need to be Jacqueline Iskander mosaic artist to be happy? To be fulfilled? To feel worthy?
No. I found I was fairly content. I just needed to give myself some time to move through this. First, I gave myself until the end of January to reassess things. Then until the end of February. Well, here we are moving through April and I’m feeling the need to do something about this stalemate.
I’m trying to finish that little piece I started back in December, and it is a bit of an effort. It is a departure for me and I’ve struggled to keep with it. It was just meant to be fun, and that seems to have taken the fun out of it for me. Again, back to what’s the use? Why can’t fun just be enough? Especially with creativity. Because of that need to prove something? To produce serious art? To prove that I am an artist?
So, the inner struggle to understand who I might be if I am not trying to prove something continues. I have a few ideas for future work, but they are all just bouncing around in my head and nothing yet bubbling up to the surface. I’m trying to be okay with this and give it more time. Trying to resist thoughts like: If I quit, what would I do with all this stuff? What would I do with the rest of my life? And I find myself in a place I’ve found myself a few times before in my life, that of breaking free of an identity.
Thank you Covid!